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A Cautionary Tale

there was a song i burnt on a cd one time for my ex girlfriends high school friend and he said he would listen to it everyday on his ride to high school it was like such great heights

one time in high school there was this party i went to with the party kids we partied every

weekend and one time someone put on that album such great heights at the end of the

party and it was a nice surround sound sound system and it must have been turned up all

the way to thirteen and it kept playing on repeat while everyone was trying to sleep i was

trying to sleep on the carpet floor of the living room because there were kids everywhere

on every furniture on the stairs everywhere you looked were kids passed out sleeping and

listening to such great heights on repeat blasting through the stereo system all night long

i remember walking through that party talking to people but not knowing what i was saying

everything being out of focus yet remaining to be a height of knowning that you felt like for

once you belonged somewhere and it was exactly at that party where in the morning our

friend said he forced this girl to have anal sex with him and people were making jokes about

the blood stains on the matress, i never looked so i wouldn't know if it's true or not, like

after watching porn for hours this morning learning about things deeply engrained like no

greater mistake than like nothing more horrible to some and comparing one thing to one

another thing like which is worse gets to opening eyes in the realm starts making you think

about things like where does the light exist and how do i find out, you dig deeper then, keep

going man it is just on the other side of death, that song the one like such great heights I

burnt it on a cd for the kid that my ex girlfriend cheated on me with i was really pissed about

that and when i went to the GDP show i was withdrawling real bad and so i was wearing Wilkys sweatshirt and somehow that got around and i pushed tyler the drummer on the monkees at the show and he pushed me back actually as hard as he possible could i was like

thats enough for me it was probably because i let that kid who i burnt that cd for hook up with his girlfriend in the back of my jeep at some high school party where they were both at

i just didnt care about things one time i wore my socks pulled up to my knees like cliff the

mounting horse diving jewel theif whom my ex girlfriend invited over and he looked at me

at honestly said into my face he said why did she invite me here if she doesnt want to fuck me and i said get out of my room dude youre a faggot anyway and we both road motor

scooters that summer and he did things i read on the interent and moved to france and

ended up making music for a gucci commercial or something and that was the last thing I

ever cared about and when another ex girlfriend of mine met a guy and brought him home

she woke up to him using her like a rag doll or something and she told him to stop and he

didnt and then she showed up at the next apartment i lived in and i stitched her up needle

and thread deadheads visions lost bliss one time there was this girl when i was on acid and

she wanted to do the business but i was on too much acid and Saturn the snake was still

alive then he used to stop eating so the rats started eating him and when he arrived he was

bleeding and i took some of his blood and mixed with with some ink that i don't have any

more and i used to have to give valentine shots with needles because she had a skin disease

and when i was laying there naked with that girl on acid after i gave her and her friend heart

tattos on their pelvis and same with the smiley face on the guys pelvis who was one of the girls brothers they were all like we cant do it ourselves we need you and i was like fine i really didn't care i was happy to do it for everyone and so we were laying there and one time

i gave a girl a peace sign on her ass and i was tripping and pretty drunk and i didn't know how it would turn out and awhile later i ran into her on the street and she was like rememebred me and i was like no and she was like looky and i was like that turned out well and that was in burlington and so we were laying there me and the girl and i was tripped out i had been tripping all along that day writing things in pages that made things happen instanlty and so i brought Saturn in the room and placed him around her neck and we just chilled there for awhile naked and the kid who's apartment that was one time was rolling so

hard on molly and i needed a place to sleep so i was in his room and it was a bi-level kind of thing and he started jerking off in the second floor above where i was laying below and i was like im just going to lay here because honestly this is going to come back to haunt him one day, thats gay, we're not twelve, one time when i was a kid we were watching scrambled porn on the basement tv and that thing happened but it's not like i took it out like when I

was sitting in my room and Conor walked out of his room naked and helicoptered his dick

around and laughed at himself and i was like, good luck with that, like when Mike said he shits on me and everything he does is better, and he took this girl who wanted to hook up with me who i took to black church because she was an adultress and everyone at church was like shaking their heads and he started giving her heroin like when, one time i shot a

girl up because she had told me she used to do it alot and she was like please just once and i was like, this is early into the beginnings of things before i got a grip, and i was like ok just

this once and so i did and she almost died and the security guards said next time, and i said

there wont be a next time, and i never gave heroin to another girl until that faithful day and still listening to Hive Mind after watching so much horrible things that you think are attractive in a way thats addicted to suffering souls just Frater Achadying you're really like

this is just horrible, just horrible, and then you get to the light, and you're like this is supposed to be just horrible and somehow it makes everything else seem more horrible and

the worst things even worse even though some of those things are supposed to be the worst things and then it just gets confusing but not really, not really at all, sometimes i still feel dirty about things ive done, like shaking hands, like no offense, like wanted to say nigger

but he wasn't, like I regret it but also it was still one of the best conversations I had recently just because he had a peach and he was like Im fucking homeless, but i found this peach and

I was like at least youve got that peach, and he was like yup, i got a peach. and that nigger shit is still funny to me, even though i still feel ugly, and a lot of the times im like this is a sign of the times, questioning everything again, like do they really like that asian kid that enya invited to my house enough to use his music in a commercial like there was a blog about that kid about how he raped some chick on acid or some shit and i was like damn that kid is in a commercial and even if he was joking still one of my great regrets because i could have knocked on the doorframe and i said, faggot, and anyway sometimes I'm like did any of these girls really actually get raped, like in high school when this kid from safeway tied my girlfriends wrists up with his hand and locked her in the car and fingered her that shit really fucked me up like i had to get science on that with the tology and ive been hypnotized ever since i swear to god i went to that church once and i went to see the priniciple in the princibpasl official room and she was like aliens exist dude and i was like i knew it! even though i still don't really know and i took a test there and they just told me my IQ was my favorite number i was like that's a lie and she said you're life is a lie and i was like I just saw MGMT at the dome in the place where they left it there in the box my heart and i was like

was that the mirror the whole time sitting there with CHloe while she paints the house red

with my period and we went back stage and that guy there was like the box again and we're

back to the beginning and i still laugh at the joke sometimes im like haha, and i was actually laughing when i typed that and for some reason when we talked him and I the whole room went silent and he was like happens every time and i was like what does and then i fell asleep and my car got towed and i was pissed that i only had two pictures at the gallery and it looked like i had three but really one was disappearing ink and somehow everybody always knows everything and i was like someone please cut that arm off please that stupid

shit is still so fucking annoying to me everytime i think of that goddamn word just get another dildo tattoo but its too late ill always fucking think of that stupid fucking face every goddamn time i think of the stupid word everything and i couldn't even begin to remember

anything thats happened in my whole life besides somethings no one remembers everything and a lot of things i just don't care if i forget like most of the people i was ever

friends with like sometimes i think about if i would ever want to see Ashley again, not the twins, and I'm like honestly, could do without and sometimes i think to myself, would I ever want to see any girl I ever knew before ever again, and i say to myself, nope, and then I think to myself if i all those people who are supposedly dead werent actually dead i wouldn't even want to be friends with them and thats like well you'd rather you're friends be dead then have them play a trick on you and, yes, and most of the time i was always thinking like there has got to be better people out there in the world besides these freaks but i needed people like i need a bad habit like i need attention and sometimes there was moments when and sometimes there were moments of and sometimes things happen and I still dont know if it's my fault, Travis was one of my favorite people to be around like everytime we hung out it was like finally someone who registers on the scale of people worth knowing and i still dont really know if he even likes me like that and sometimes my mind collapses into dust refrain repeat againe like when my other friend who ill never talk to again got date raped in another country and she tried to make me feel bad like i would never understand her pain and i told her you cant tell me what to do and that was already after hearing a bout of rape stories from various people i really cared about enough to break my heart a dozen times and i was like the way youre speaking about it seems to me like it hurts me more than it hurt you on the inside, thats depth, i could be wrong and god forsake me if i am, ive prayed a million and one times for forgivenesses about feeling honest like her mom killed herself with a belt like a dog cause she's the most punk and i swear to god i really feel like its because of some shit her daughter just said to me, calling me sweet, and i wonder if she said it like that because she understood that thats why it happened, and maybe im crazy and maybe ill eat my girlfriends puke for the things i've just said but honestly I feel like I'm doing that woman some goddamn respect she had this silver star and Jupiter and I made a wish with it and we we're standing on the mountain the day the star disappeared and a literal comit flew by our faces across the sky and we never saw that star again, things like that just happen because it's magic, and more things will continue to happen, I just hope and pray every night that this isnt a big trick on me because sometimes people, I'm like to myself, have you met people, and i'm like, well, i've met alot of children who think they are people worth knowing, because people who think they are worth knowing speak like people who think they are worth knowing and the whole time they are talking you're thinking to yourself one day I won't know you anymore and I won't care, and you won't ever truly know me to begin with and that happens to be what happens to people who think too much

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